Halloween, Shmalloween
Those of you who know me know that I’m not the world’s biggest supporter of adult Halloween festivities. In fact I really wish that I could avoid all of it completely. For the last few years I’ve tried to do just that. Last year was the most successful attempt at a non-traditional and skank-free Halloween. Me and two other friends (who I’m not really sure how I conned into this, but bless their hearts for staying with me!) sat in my apartment, ate a huge bag of Halloween Fun-Sized Twix bars, drank a little bit of vodka and watched MST3K movies all night long. I believe the line-up included The Mole People, The Thing That Couldn’t Die, and Boggy Creek 2: And the Legend Continues. I think we also started the Atomic Brain, but our attention was starting to wander thanks to the copious amounts of … chocolate. 
Everyone has at least one holiday where they feel like every year it’s nothing but disappointment, frustration, and headache. A day where despite all the years of trying desperately to get into the holiday spirit, if only to appease friends and family, they have finally given in to their repressed anger and anxiety and just decided to let it out! To proudly admit that, “NO! I HATE [insert holiday] and I will not be manipulated into feeling guilty and forced to participate and put on an appropriate face for the occasion ANY MORE!
Let me see if I can sum up my reasons for disdain of this wretched holiday in an entertaining little dialog. While this is not exactly transposed from an actual conversation, it is based on actual behaviors and statements which have been collected and modified slightly to protect the individuals’ identities.
Friend: “OOOH Halloween is coming up! I love Halloween! What are you going to dress up as?”
Me: “Well I’m not really … “
Friend: “…I bought this kick-ass costume that has feathers all over it plucked directly off of the world’s largest peacock, and the mane is made of Unicorn ass-hair, and the mask goes down around here like this and then curls around over the back that so it looks just like….[blah, blah, blah, blah]… but if it doesn’t get here in time I’ll probably just wear my Naughty Nun costume from like 3 years ago when I was in Charleston and save this new one for next year. I figure nobody here will know I’ve already worn that one once and then next year I won’t have to worry about what i’m going to wear and I can save some money!”
Me: “cool.”
Friend: “So are you going to [name]‘s party? Or [other name]‘s party? Or are you going out with [yet another name] and all of them? I think they were going to [bad bar name] because they are having some huge blowout costume party. The tickets for it are like $10 at the door though, so I think I’m going to [2nd bad bar] because [new name] and her boyfriend and all those guys are going to do a bar crawl and they are starting there.
Me: “I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet. I might just see where everyone ends up and decide last minute.”
Friend: Yeah I might do that too, actually. Last year we were all supposed to go to [place x] and then when it was time only like 2 of the 20 million people showed up there, everyone else changed plans on us. We never even made it to this awesome haunted house I heard about and wanted to see. Hey! Maybe we could go this weekend? They do it every year. You interested?
Me: I hate haunted houses, I tend to pee my pants a little bit every time someone screams.
That about sums it up. I mean… nobody can make a decision, there’s all this pressure on the costume you pick, and if you actually manage to come up with something original you end up being annoyed by it within 10 minutes of getting there. Because that demon tail you spent 15 hours papier-mâché-ing and then painting to look like real dragon scales is making it hard to A. Fit in the car, B. Hold your drink because you have to keep picking it up out of people’s way, and C. Sit down in general. And if you go out to the bar, everything is so watered down and prices are so jacked up to pay for all the food coloring that makes them “goulish” that you end up with a green tongue and little else. Finally, you end up chasing other groups of people around all night trying to figure out which place of the 500 locales you’ve been invited to is in fact the most fun and should therefore be honored with your presence for the evening.
But in all this ranting, I’ve left out the 2 parts of Halloween that I can and will always get behind…
Jack-O-Lanterns …
(and candy!)
I am not sure I could have said it better myself,… I can honestly say Halloween is by far my least favorite holiday as well unless it involves little kids or pets in ridiculously adorable costumes. That along with the candy, crunchy leaves, carving pumpkins and the pleasure gained from calling the cops on annoying teenagers roaming the streets during trick-or-treating time just for kicks,…are, to me, the only redeemable features of this holiday. Mind you I am a very proud scardy-cat,.. one could describe me as jumpy with high strung leanings and therefore am not into the darker representations of human nature that are displayed during this time of year AND in the same vein, as you have so adeptly described it,.. I too am not into the party hopping and skimpy costuming,.. too much work to keep track of when and where to go and too cold for one to be “fannying about” in less than insulating undergarments!
(my goodness… I sound like an old lady,.. hurrah!)
My story about the scantily glad revelers of this holiday though is completely true. Several years ago a college friend came to visit during this “magical” time of year and as we sat in a pub chatting and catching up over a pint or two, a party bus pulled up to the pub. And out of this party bus emerged several young ladies in costumes for the costume contest. Some were tried and true favorites such as “slutty nurse”, “slutty librarian”, catholic school girl(it needs no epithet), “slutty black cat”, “slutty angel” and of course, “slutty devil”. But what really got my knickers in a bunch were the costumes of a few favorite characters from my childhood: “slutty Rainbow bright”, “slutty Strawberry shortcake”, “slutty Cares-a-lot” of the Carebear persuasion and the most confusing and hurtful of all,… “slutty Sherlock Holmes”… Seriously? Yeah, cause nothing says hot like a mustache, a pipe, hounds-tooth tweed and thigh highs!…. Why can’t they just leave these icons alone! Halloween,.. I shake my fist at thee!